Divorced: You have to take the journey to find the life lesson
Current mood: exanimate Category: Romance and Relationships
I've felt divorced since the papers were filed and I moved into my own studio, six months ago. But now it's officially legal.
Brian is off to Cabo with his buddies for a week and I get to spend Friday with Ahi. But then Ahi sails down to Mexico to fish for a week. Our constant stream of long distance communication will be severed by the deep seas. Part of me thinks that it is good that I will be dealing with my finalized divorce alone. But another part of me feels like I'm being punished by the Universe. Of course, Brian was practical enough to realize how this day would impact him and planned ahead. While I was foolish enough to think it wouldn't affect me adversely. Actually, I just procrastinated thinking about it at all. I do have plans to spend some time with my best friend midweek and I'm really looking forward to that.
I'm not entirely in mourning nor am I ecstatic. There is sadness that causes me to mist up at odd times. I don't feel any shame about the stigma of divorce, but I do feel regret. I still feel a lot of guilt for leaving Brian alone. When I would try to get out of the relationship, seeing that things were never going to change, I expressed my fear that I was wasting my youth . Now, I feel guilt that I wasted his time. If I had had the strength to leave a lot sooner, he would've had more time to find what he wanted. I know that I can't take all the blame, but I know most of it is mine.
While examining my surprising lack of affection for Brian now, I recalled manufacturing stronger feelings for him during our relationship. Because that's how I was supposed to feel in a long term relationship, then in marriage. All the time voicing how unhappy I was, but still putting forth effort to get along. Even so, knowing I did try, doesn't alleviate my guilt. I know that I was often selfish and Brian allowed me to focus on my feelings. I would try to talk to him about his feelings, try to see it from his point of view, but he never expressed himself. Still, that doesn't excuse me for making it all about me. So now I have a tendency to care more about his feelings. I feel that I owe him.
I'm sort of rambling and I know there are juxtaposing elements to my internal argument. I know that I made the best decision for myself and in the long run for Brian as well. (I hope he will find happiness and love.) I have always been someone who takes from the past to shape my future. I can't help but examine the mistakes I made in order to avoid making them in my next relationship. I also know that I need to resolve my doubts before I can move forward with impunity. I'm stronger now, but still have weaknesses. It may seem that I can't trust others, but in reality, I don't trust myself. I know that above all, I need to really be true to myself and never settle. Whether that means staying or leaving, I can't choose the easy way. At least I've learned that.
You're being extremely strong. I can't even imagine how hard it must be, or what you are going through, but it sounds like you are starting to make some sense of it all. And gaining closure.
Posted by EliZZabeth on August 22, 2008 - Friday - 5:46 AM
girl i love reading what you type - congrats on the divorce. our past see the future differently however don't bring past feelings to the future. das' right girl!!! NEVER SETTLE.
Posted by Roxy 26.2 on August 22, 2008 - Friday - 5:47 AM
Congratulations on making the decision that your happiness matters. It's been over a year and although I know I made the right decision, I feel guilty. It means we have a heart and aren't the callous souls they believe we are. Do not settle. Figure out exactly what you want and hold out for it. You deserve it. We all do.
Posted by Shannon on August 25, 2008 - Monday - 7:47 PM
exanimate
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