Although I am not offended that someone would qualify our friendship as solely internet-based, it did get me to thinking. Is there any less value in a friend that you have not met in person? Is there less of a connection with a friend that you have only shared typed communication sprinkled heavily with a dose of "lol"s and emoticons? Does a friend you met online have less of an emotional investment in/for you than someone you met offline? If you knew someone in "real" life, but now only have an internet-based friendship, does that weaken your relationship?
I get a lot of crap for how many friends I have on Facebook. I always feel like I am justifying my numbers. The funny thing is that I actually do screen friend requests. Furthermore, I did not bring all of my friends over from MySpace as I was paring down my online lifestyle. Even though I have been more selective about my internet friends on Facebook, my numbers make me appear to be a friends whore.
I have friends from so many different phases in my life. I have friends from public school, 5-12 grade. Then I have friends from private school, but since it was K-12, many of them were a lot younger or older than me. I have friends from church. I have friends from the various jobs I've held. I have friends from my SDSU classes and I've been in college for 10 years now. I have friends from SDSU that are faculty and staff since I've been working here for over 10 years. I have friends from four families, my mother's, my father's, my stepfather's, and my husband's. Finally, I have my internet friends aka my running/cycling/triathlon friends. I have very few celebrities as friends and when I first added them back on MySpace, they probably didn't have as much notoriety if any at all to me. In fact, I didn't even know one friend had been on a TV show when I added her. I just knew that she was into fitness & health, she was funny & encouraging, and we both liked David Duchonvy. Why would I care that millions of people tuned in each week to see her perky little....smile?
I don't have the time to figure out the percentage of my Facebook friends are only internet friends. I don't know that the number really matters. Basically, I have three types of "internet friends." Friends I met online and have not met in person, friends I met online and have met in person, and friends/family I knew but now only communicate with online. It seems that most of my offline friends that are online, don't even look at my Facebook. I always have to send them the link to my newest photo album! Then there is the rare internet friend that I met online, then in person and now I only communicate with them online the few times I plan to see them at an expo/race.
I have to admit that there are friends who are only internet friends that I have no intention of meeting. Mostly these are runners/cyclists/triathlet
There are internet friends who I connect with on more than just an athletic level, even though that was probably the original purpose of our friendship. I have some great internet friends that I have not met, but want to. I don't suspend the depth of our friendship just because we haven't had the chance to spend face time together. We might never meet, but these friends are a part of my consciousness and part of my life. There is almost a freedom to be truly myself with some of these friends since there is no history or baggage between us. There is no past hurt that may have been forgiven but will never be forgotten. Sometimes I think we can be more ourselves online, because we aren't watching the reader's reaction as we "talk," we aren't altering our words based on those conversational responses. Once we hit post, it is out there. We may backpeddle or delete based on comments, but while we were writing and for at least a brief moment in time, we let it all hang out. When we trust an internet friend with our true selves and they identify with it, their justification sparks a truer connection than one might get during a face to face conversation. Yes, there is a bit of editing and withholding during comment responses, but you can tell who is being real with you. These are usually the internet friends that I've IMed or even just messaged and took the time to get to know on a more personal level. We usually depend on each other for advice since there is a deeper level of trust. The whole point of relating to others is to know that we are not alone. That there are others going through the same things in life. Knowing that we relate well, puts them in my mind and sometimes my heart.
I am shy. So meeting people in person isn't always a driving force for me. I'm even uncomfortable seeing people I know in real life, even family. There are very few people that I really look forward to seeing and most of the time I would rather it be one on one, not a group. There are people that I have met online that I have subsequently made the effort to meet offline. I became very close to them, but not necessarily due to our meeting. Meeting them was more of a social formality. I don't think it strengthened our friendship any more than our continuing internet friendship. There are a very select few, where meeting them did enhance our friendship. These are friends that I do want to see in person just to be able to see them smile, hear them laugh, and to hug them hello/goodbye.
One of these internet friends became my best friend and was there for me while I struggled in my last year of marriage and was there for me when I struck out on my own and while I fell in love. She is so important to me because I met her as an adult. There was no affiliation that tied us together, I didn't have to spend time with her for school or church or work. We have no obligation to each other except to be friends. We don't see each other that often, maybe every four months. Our relationship is such, that even though I am sad that she is moving out of state, I don't despair, because we'll always have the internet.
Another internet friend that I met in person, really changed my life. She introduced me to the world of racing. It was because of her and some other internet friends I met the day our first meeting that I decided to run for purpose. It took a while after meeting her for us to develop a relationship. But it was fate. She was the one that introduced me to the most important internet friend I've met, my husband.
I don't think it would be fair to count Ahi in this argument. Obviously I am biased when it comes to this particular internet friendship. But one does have to acknowledge all of the internet dating sites. There is something to meeting someone online instead of in a bar or being set up by friends on a blind date. As I've said before, there is a freedom and an openness that one can display easier online than in person. So if meeting someone online can lead to love, doesn't that mean that an internet friend can be as important as an offline friend?
I remember all of the classmates that are now internet friends. I may not have been best friends with them or even hung out with them on a regular basis, but I have a really good memory of their personality and instances where we crossed paths. But even though I knew them way back when, I consider our online friendship current. I don't rely on an old memory to feel good or bad about them. Yes, our connection may have been high school chemistry, but that is not enough to keep me interested now. I look at who they are now and how we relate today. What in their life can I identify with? What do we have in common? I am always admonishing people who say that they don't want to add someone from high school because they didn't like them back then. We've all grown up since high school and life experience cannot help but change us. Having these internet friends gave me the strength to go back to an alumni weekend at my private school. That thin connection has broadened because of current internet friendships.
I hate talking on the phone and as previously mentioned, I am shy in person even with people I know. As a result, most of the relationships I've had throughout my life have been sporadic but lasting. I do have a tendency to hold onto childhood friends, like my best friend from Kindergarten, and my best friend from 7th grade. I used to try to reunite family members that didn't really have any interest in each other. I have finally learned to let go of friends or family that are toxic or just don't care. However, I do have to recognize that my personality may have attracted friends, who like me, could sustain a relationship on once-a-year-contact. Fortunately, many friends that I have lost contact with, but have not forsaken altogether, are online. I am so relieved to renew our friendship, even if it is solely an internet friendship. Since we are all older, our lives have changed so much, we have more responsibilities, everyone is so busy. But we can always steal a few minutes to check out our friend's status and the new pictures of their children and maybe even see what book, movie, or music they are interested in right now. We can tell if a friend is going through a difficult time and we can encourage them and let them know we are there for them. Sometimes it is easier to vocalize our needs in writing and sometimes it is easier for others to display their true feelings in writing. Most of us don't have the time to call all of our friends and family every day or even once a month. Having these offline friends online gives us a glimpse into their daily life that we probably couldn't see otherwise. I've even developed some familial ties that I never could have due to geographical differences.
I believe that internet friendships are extremely valuable. I met a woman online when I was searching out people who run, which was the reason I got online in the first place. Not only did we have running in common, we even wore the same running shoes for a time. We both grew up in San Diego (she lives in Texas now). We're both short Asian girls. She is about the same age, so we have similar pop culture memories and tastes. We have similar tastes in musicals, movies, books, etc. When I was married, there were some similar traits in our husbands. We encourage each other about training and our relationships and life in general. She is really into Mickey Mouse, so I couldn't help but send her the perfect card. Had I the money, I would have bought her the Mickey Mouse bracelet I saw while on vacation in San Francisco. When she came back "home," she even tried to surprise me at work. Unfortunately I was home, sleeping off my wedding weekend. So we still haven't met in person. But it doesn't matter. I still care about her and I think about her even when I am nowhere near a computer. We have a connection and it is called the internet. "We're only internet friends," but that is more than enough.
Zen Gray
Pete, I think you make some wonderful points about internet friends. In fact, one of the most significant relationships of my life is with someone I've never met. I just think that there is always the desire to meet someone in person if they are a significant friend in any capacity. And I hope we can meet in person soon :) xoxo
August 20 at 3:40pm
Heather Gannoe
Pete this is great. I totally agree with you! I joined the wonderful world of myspace when I first found out I was pregnant with my first baby. NONE of my "real life" friends had kids or could relate to me. I met a dozen or so girls online that were all due the same month as me, and we bonded. I still talk to most of them, and many have become "... Read Morereal life" friends that I could never replace. The same has become true with my running pals. I could ramble all day long (because I'm soooo not shy on the internet, haha) but the point is...HOORAY for social networking!
August 20 at 3:48pm
Pete Futa
When I first got online, the writer in me really appreciated the process of blogging. There were all these thoughts and feelings that my husband at that time didn't care about. My life was so stagnant back then that I was living mainly in my head. It helped me become more confident to have others out there that would read what I had to say and ... ... Read MoreRead Morerespond to it in a positive manner. I don't need to blog as much now since I live my life outside of my head, for the most part. And of course I have a husband who will listen to my thoughts and feelings, to a point. ;p But really social networking was such an important aspect of my journey to independence and belief in myself. Isn't it funny that knowing you are not alone can lead to independence?
August 20 at 3:56pm
Debbie Garlick
Thats what friends are for ;) You gave me a lesson to take to the Ho!
August 20 at 4:04pm
Pete Futa
I wonder if I could market my lessons...like an internet course. :) I know a guy who might be starting a biz to provide the props.
August 20 at 4:06pm
Debbie Garlick
I think you should.. I could be the model forya ;) Or start a webshow???
August 20 at 4:06pm
Adiel Garrison
Sorry if this is off topic, but I had to say this....I hope you are still journaling and writing. You have the voice of a poet and the soul of a dreamer. You can create with words what you imagine. :) You have a great way of putting words to your thoughts.
August 20 at 4:09pm
Pete Futa
Adiel, was it the phrase, "I get a lot of crap..." that inspired you? ;p
August 20 at 4:10pm
Brenda Raimer Miller
Though we've never officially met, I always enjoy reading your blogs. To read them, one would never know you are shy in person!
August 20 at 4:26pm
Pete Futa
Brenda, You are an example of someone who opened up to me and we were very honest with each other. I am so glad that you trusted me. I am planning on doing my full Ironman in Wisconsin, since my Aunt Helen moved back there. I will definitely meet you then!! It will probably be in 2011, so don't get too excited yet, lol.
August 20 at 4:33pm
George Gensler
You could write a book, Pete! I don't know where I fit in in your categories, but I count my life richer for knowing you and lucky that you still consider me a friend, after I threw you in the deep end by having our first meeting include every single member of my family! ;) We none of us would have guessed that you're shy - you fit right in! And... Read More, if we hadn't met, you wouldn't have had your name screamed across 3 lanes of traffic in the middle of San Francisco during an incredible moment of serendipity!! :D
August 20 at 4:40pm
Pete Futa
G-You are part of the select few. :) The I met (online), I saw (in person), I love (forevermore)!
August 20 at 4:42pm
Yuliya Zinnatullina
i love you and Todd like friends i see every day. seeing you guys is great, but it's just as awesome as randomly hearing from you on facebook...if there is such thing as internet friends, you are much more to me. you are an amazing person and i'm very glad i have met you. so thanks to internet i guess :)
August 20 at 5:09pm
Abby Kesilman
Umm....you just made me cry :) It is funny, I get a lot of slack too about my friend count. Bottom line is that there are different levels of friendships. I do know that there are several people that got me through the roughest time of my life. They have heard me laugh, cry.....then there are some that I shared some amazing experiences with, ... Read Morewhether racing or just a casual trip over the holidays ;) I have realized in the past month what is truly important and I know who I can count on. Although we have gone through periods where we didn't communicate as much, you were still an active part of my life. You know how hard this past week has been for me....you were there for me the night I needed you most....that meant the world to me. Not only did you marry one of my dearest friends, you became one and most recently introduced me to someone so amazing and I see as a soul sister....you have only enhanced my life more. You know my secret thoughts (much more of late) and understand m
August 20 at 5:12pm
Abby Kesilman
e. Can you believe I hit the count for a comment? :P I bet Ahi can...lol. This was a great note Pete. Big Hugs!
August 20 at 5:13pm
Arlene Navo Richard
Okay...I had so many things to say in response, in agreement, etc. Then I got to the last paragraph and it all flew out the window as the tears started flowing. You will always have my friendship and soul sisterhood...even if I love NKOTB. ;) Thank you, Pete.
August 20 at 5:41pm
Roxanne Conlon
wow...deep...not only internet friends, but BIG CATS too...ROAR... :D
August 20 at 8:19pm
Dane Rauschenberg
Can you start and cultivate a friendship online only? Sure. Will you need to meet them to see if you and they are really the people you have created each other to be. Undoubtedly.
August 20 at 10:27pm
Shayna Lister Hefner
I couldn't have said it better. ;)
And I've tried. :)
Knowing you're shy and that you hate talking on the phone make those conversations all the sweeter in my memory.... Read More
I so completely appreciate the internet friedship that we share, as well as those brief interludes in real life.
L&L.
And I've tried. :)
Knowing you're shy and that you hate talking on the phone make those conversations all the sweeter in my memory.... Read More
I so completely appreciate the internet friedship that we share, as well as those brief interludes in real life.
L&L.
August 20 at 11:36pm
Darrel N Tami
Hi Lisa...
Thanks for tagging me in your note. I too count you as a very good friend (online or not) plus the longest friend I've ever had! There are days I miss our letter writing (not the postage or waiting for the mail to come either) ... that seems like an era ago! Being separated by oceans has really hampered our in-person meeting but has not weakened our relationship at all. I count it as joy to think that we still have a connection after all these years... with all my moving it's been hard to keep in contact with anyone. Most do not ever reply... So, I thank YOU for being a friend to me (online and off). You are ever in my prayers and in my heart. We may not have the same view on life but the respect we have for each other is what makes it all work.
Thank you....
(((hugs)))... Read More
forever friends online or not!
;-)
Thanks for tagging me in your note. I too count you as a very good friend (online or not) plus the longest friend I've ever had! There are days I miss our letter writing (not the postage or waiting for the mail to come either) ... that seems like an era ago! Being separated by oceans has really hampered our in-person meeting but has not weakened our relationship at all. I count it as joy to think that we still have a connection after all these years... with all my moving it's been hard to keep in contact with anyone. Most do not ever reply... So, I thank YOU for being a friend to me (online and off). You are ever in my prayers and in my heart. We may not have the same view on life but the respect we have for each other is what makes it all work.
Thank you....
(((hugs)))... Read More
forever friends online or not!
;-)
August 21 at 1:39am
Sarah Allen
Thanks for voicing the words in my heart yet again. Gosh bless the internets ;) and lol
August 21 at 7:02am
Sherrie Quick Ferguson
Online is a good way to stay in touch esp. with those friends who live so far apart. How many old friends have we reconnected with due to being online...We're so busy that this allows us to stay in touch with just a couple of minutes a day... Great blog to start my day. :) Miss you.
August 21 at 7:13am
Crystal VanSickle Peters
I am Thankful to have the internet to be able to communicate with you. Family is very important to me and to my children. With the distance between us, it is so nice to be able to share what is happening in both our lives. Thank you for sharing your life with us, we love you!
August 21 at 8:46am
Cassey Perry Jackson
I am honored to be an Internet friend! I am shy too & have so many more friends this way than I would have just face to face. We may never meet but I am very happy u let me into ur life. Thanks Pete
August 21 at 9:05am
Alana Knopov
August 21 at 4:59pm I am new to facebook and any social media networks. Thank you for tagging me on your blog. It was great and I loved it. We lost touch and that was too bad, because I always enjoyed our communications. I am glad we are back in touch. Keep writing; you are very good at it. Love,
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